i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
