Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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