HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
