so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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