i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
