Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
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