If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
