Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
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