Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
My vagina just recognized that song.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
