I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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