Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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