"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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