hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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