Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
