I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
