You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
