Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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