I think I am morally bankrupt
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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