I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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