You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
