No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
