Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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