just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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