I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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