If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
