Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
