Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
