I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
