worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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