she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
