what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
