I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
