I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
How naked do you want me to be?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
