my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I love how my cats smell like pot.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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