she told me i tasted like america
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
