Sorry, I don't speak sober.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
