my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
