i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
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