I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
