there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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