i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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