I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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