She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
