Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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