A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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