Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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