we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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