My liver just broke up with me...
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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