last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
