Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
