I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
