so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You may now shotgun with the bride
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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