I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
