Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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