Pregnant stripper...not hot.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
