Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Randomize
