The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
She even gives head with a lisp.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
