you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
