I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Randomize
