I accidentally had phone sex last night
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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