shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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