im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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