My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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