I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
