Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
