I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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